I remember going to Grace Ranch for the annual minister’s convention. I believe it was the first year that the Ranch built the kitchen/dining room, perhaps it was the year 2011?
The first night we all got together, I couldn’t sleep and was deeply troubled and so I climbed out of the bunk trying not to wake the others and spent a lot of time sitting on the bathroom bench. I knew something wasn’t right with my walk in the Lord and I was not going to leave that bathroom until I got an answer. It was a terrifying answer because once again I was still operating as a false Christian. The answer was even though I knew the Lord’s words were true, I WAS STILL FILLED WITH UNBELIEF. I was utterly crushed and the next day I went and told the owner of the Ranch, Richard D. Eutsler, Sr., that the Lord told me something last night. His son was also sitting with him and I remember his sarcastic comment which thereby cemented my false Christianity. “Oh, this oughta be good.” Well that comment crushed me even more. So I did tell them that the Lord told me I was still walking in unbelief. Because I was so crushed, I don’t remember what the ranch owner said but whatever it was gave me hope to press on once again.
Then began the fight to believe and the next convention comes around and I discovered yet another horrible thing about my walk in the Lord. I was filled with the spirit of fear. I was always second guessing myself in almost everything I said and did as opposed to trusting Jesus. Without realizing it at the time I was always walking in condemnation never accepting forgiveness from myself and from Jesus. I thought I was doing OK. I was only deceiving myself.
Time goes on and at the 2014 Ministers Convention, I believe it was the last day of the convention, the Holy Spirit revealed to us that we were all in His body. WOW! That was perhaps the best news I heard in decades because that meant I was part of His body despite myself. I remember telling this to another minister, Robin, and she said, “and now you have to stand in that; we all do.” I realized then it was going to be yet another fight to believe that every day but I kept choosing to believe.
And then comes the 2015 Ministers Convention. AMEN and PRAISE JESUS it was revealed that we were walking according to our faith rather than walking in His faith. As it is written in Galatians 2:16 “Knowing that a man is not justified by he works of the law, but BY THE FAITH OF JESUS CHRIST, even we have believed in Jesus Christ, that we might be justified by the faith of Christ, and not by the works of the law: for the works of the law shall no flesh be justified.” For myself, no wonder I was having such a struggle because I was going on my faith and my abilities which are always wavering and unsteady. Jesus already knew that his death and resurrection, would save us from our sins and bring us home to Him and that included me. All I have to do is believe that every day, every moment. That is why Jesus Christ could endure the cross, despite the shame because He knew the joy that was set before Him. That joy was He had made the way for each of us to get to Heaven. (See Hebrews 12:2) All I have to do is thank Him and believe Him for that every single day, all day. If I am putting all my trust in what Jesus did for me then, there is no room for unbelief and fear. I would like to say I have that down perfectly but I do not. However, walking in the faith of Jesus Christ gets better and better every single day. It is such a freedom not to have to depend on my abilities but to believe on Him in everything that is put before me.
Jeanne L. Lamica
April 17, 2016